Centuries of Breeding Have Genetically Designed Me to Fuck Up Your Stuff

Dogs. We’re told they provide companionship, unconditional love and affection. Maybe this is true. Maybe there are some dogs out there adding richness and value to their humans’ lives. Mine, however, just seem to destroy things.

Lucy and Sookie. Sookie is the “blond.”1

I would like to give my butt-sniffers the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are not just willful and destructive. Maybe they actually have an altruistic reason for destroying my personal possessions. Maybe there is a grand cosmic benefit to rolling in a dead seal carcass on the beach, and then trying to snuggle with a couple making out under a blanket.2

If we could read their little doggy minds….



So here is a positive way to look at a little incident I like to call “The Mulberry Tree”:




Of course, I am a pessimist, so here is another way to interpret this incident: Six year of no nookie and close quarters with another female dog have caused Lucy to fly into a rage.3





The most likely interpretation:





1Sookie is blond not because of her coloring—she’s black mostly—but because she is a total airhead. I know, not all blonds are airheads, but people use “blond” to denote a special type of stupidity, just in the same way they use “gay” and “retarded” in a negative and inappropriate way. We now know this is wrong. Don’t worry blonds, some day your revolution will come.
2Okay, this was not done by my dog, but by my sister-in-law’s dog. Yes, roll in a dead animal. Run up the beach. Climb under the blanket of two strangers trying to share an intimate moment. Rub seal carcass all over said strangers.
3I’m not forcing my dog to live as a lesbian. However, Sookie does like to climb on top of Lucy and hump her for extended periods of time. Lucy tolerates this because of her total apathy for almost anything Sookie does. Unless Sookie starts humping her face. Then it’s on.